“The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Pt. 1” Really? They needed Two Parts?

Genres: Romance, Sequel, Teen, Drama and Thriller
Running Time: 1 hr. 48 min.
Release Date: November 18th, 2011 (wide)
MPAA Rating: PG-13 for disturbing images, violence, sexuality/partial nudity and some thematic elements.
Distributors: Summit Entertainment, LLC

Director: Bill Condon

JJ Rating: F-

*Spoilers all over this review and I don't care*

A total rehash of the first three movies as if told by a mentally retarded person with stake shoved through their skull and brain matter oozing out. Oh and the bloody ending, which is only as bloody as a period without a pad. Breaking Dawn Pt. 1.

2 Good Things About This Film

  1. Uhm...I...there's got to be something...oh, she smiled more than once. I was shocked.
  2. Anna Kendrick is in it for five seconds. I think when they filmed this she was wondering, Why am I doing this? I've been in 50/50, Scott Pilgrim vs The World, Up in the Air, and even Rocket Science – all films that were critically liked and are bound to be cult classics – , why am I in Twilight again? Contract, right...She so doesn't need this role. It better pay well. It was nice to see an actress in this film. And I'm well aware of these people's ability to act, because I've mentioned it in other reviews, but this film...well read the bad things.

17 Bad Things About This Film

  1. OMG, the back and forth with the I love you, no I love you, NO I LOVE YOU a lot...was disgusting. Every time they kissed I wanted to not throw up. I tried really hard not to throw up. This film literally made me sick to my stomach. It should be illegal that so many cliches were able to congregate in one film. And the person that allows it should be shot, a lot...in the face.
  2. If men were really that wimpy this world would have died the moment it started.
  3. The kiss at the wedding was just a rotten cherry on top of the already mushy movie. Ick.
  4. It could have been 20-30 minutes shorter if they cut out all the I love you's and the Jacob storming out as if he got his balls stepped on.
  5. The first hour was like porn without the sex. Yes, that's how bad the acting was.
  6. They teased a fight and a fight did happen, but it sucked and it was like Daredevil all over again. The camera angles were too close and no one could tell who was in danger and who wasn't and who was making a great move and who was just getting crapped on like a cop car via an Occupier.
  7. The lines were terrible. Oh you are a vampire, please put your teeth into me and let's make babies. Yes, that's the kind of lines that were littered throughout this film. I don't even know how one reads that script and goes This is so golden. I'm going to get an Oscar just by staring at it.
  8. Speaking of babies...the feeding baby scene was so poorly done that I don't know. I don't know how anyone can look through a camera, see that acting, hear those words and think WOW, I got myself a surefire winner.
  9. If sap could kill, I'd be dead and so would anyone that saw this film.
  10. It's the new Ring.
  11. This is on the list of films that are probably worse than waterboarding.
  12. As someone who wants to be a published writer, I cannot, for the life of me, understand how anyone can write this and think that it's good. I think I understand how it feels to be someone that writes their on music and plays their own instrument looking at a pop doofus lip syncing and making millions. It is sickening.
  13. The ending is cliched. I've said that so much it's now a cliché. Opening eyes to show someone's alive. Please. I'd rather see her teeth sharpen than this lameness.
  14. This imprinting is gross. It's like whispering in a baby's ear, I like you. I'm going to wait until you're legal and we're going to make our own baby. Ugh.
  15. Pedophile undertones aren't the only thing. There's abuse in this film. I'm bruised from having sex with a vampire, what is the first thing I want to say? Oh, right, I don't care, I LOVE YOU. Ugh. This abuse stuff isn't a joke, but apparently it is with a vampire. Though Klingons have sex like that and I remember that episode of DS9. It was way better than this cliché mess of cliches.
  16. And no condom for vampire sex, cause baby making with dead sperm is not possible. OH WAIT, IT IS. What a terrible twist. These books must have sucked worse than these vampires do. I hate vampires. All of them. They should all burn in the sun with garlic cloves shoved in their eye sockets while they stand in silver rain.

Ha, ha, speaking of zombies, I think that someone needs to remake these films with zombies roaming around. It would so make this film five hundred-billion-million times better. I'm sure I've done this already in the previous review.

In conclusion Breaking Dawn Part 1 is a drawn out boring film that should have never existed and no male should waste any of their life ever seeing it. NO, it is not worth whatever she promises. It isn't. There's nothing she could give you that will make up for you feeling like you got the short end of the stick on this one.

You have been warned.  

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