“Fast Five” It Ain’t No Ocean’s 11

Genres: Action/Adventure and Sequel
Running Time: 2 hr. 10 min.
Release Date: April 29th, 2011 (wide)
MPAA Rating: PG-13 for intense sequences of violence and action, sexual content and language.

Director: Justin Lin

JJ Rating: B

See it again: Maybe.
Own it: No.
Recommend it to: those like action despite it not making much sense.
See it in NYC: I would and I’d feel like I sort of wasted my time…

The action
The fight scenes

The lack of consequences to the action
The lines

Cars zoom around in action of the highest caliber. Characters voice terrible lines in a storyline that ignores reality. Fast Five.

The Rock vs. Vin Diesel made seeing Fast Five worth it. An awesome fight scene. I enjoyed Fast Five overall, but the lack of blood made it like wrestling, fake. Not to mention the pathetic displayed of destruction with the safe. It didn’t make a single mark on the road as it tumbled along destroying anything that was on the sidewalk. Zero sparks, as well. It’s hard to grasp. I’m one to suspend disbelief. I love superhero films. I can suspend disbelief with the best of them, but two cars dragging a ton looking safe behind them that barely marks the road and doesn’t split the cars in two, well…reality was totally ignored.

The actors in Fast Five reminded me of people who graduated from high school but keep showing up at parties. It’s really awkward cool. I’m like…wow they use to be cool, are they still cool? According to the box office, yes. According to me, not so much. Easily one of the most forgettable films of the summer. Of course, if someone asked you what this film was about two years form now you could rightfully say it’s about fast cars. That’s what all of them were about. This goes to show how hollow the films really are.

And I’m well aware that that is the appeal. It is a fun movie to watch. I cannot deny it. Watch The Rock vs. Vin Diesel was almost worth the price. The fight is great and one of the reasons I wanted to see it. I didn’t want to see it totally until it got a high percentage on Rotten Tomatoes. Even Rotten Tomatoes can be wrong for my taste. This and Black Swan…ick. At least Fast Five was every bit as fun as they said it would be.

What was not fun was listening to the tiresome dialog that I would have rather not heard. I think Fast Five should have been a silent film. The dialog would be silent, one can read it, but the action would be heard. Focusing more on the action and less on the words would have made it louder, more interesting and less bogged down by worthless words from the actors…that look better silent anyway.

Speaking of bogged down…reality sucked for this film. If there were no such thing as reality and how things really worked, I wouldn’t have been bothered by a giant safe tumbling down a main street only destroying things on the sidewalk while the road remained unscathed. Or the fact that every punch delivered to the face did no damage outside of the person’s pride. I love comic book movies. I have an incredible threshold for disbelief, but Fast Five pushed that to the limit and I could not help but be one of those people I yell at…it just got to the point where I’m like, really…REALLY?

Fast Five is a waterdown crappy Ocean’s 11 sans any wit, any charm and any sense of cool. It has as much cool as a creepy returnee does when he returns to any high school function and acts like his poo don’t stink.

Ignore the acting. Ignore the story. Ignore reality. Ignore the terrible dialog and you will enjoy Fast Five so much more. I promise.

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