“Beastly” SO MUCH PROMISE and yet so Crapuary

Genres: Comedy, Drama, Romance and Adaptation
Release Date: March 4th, 2011 (wide)
MPAA Rating: PG 13 for language including some crude comments, drug references and brief violence.
Distributors: CBS Films


Director: Daniel Barnz

JJ Rating: D+

See it again: Never.
Own it: Never.
Recommend it to: No one, especially those that read the book.

Bad
Everything.

Good
Except the actors.

An updated version of Beauty and the Beast. Beastly.

I made the mistake of going to AMC 20, which is where all the teens go (this case females) to see movies in the snooty are of Katy. Awkward being a male and alone, but I toughed it out. They weren’t nearly as bad as they could have been with hooting and hollering for Alex Pettyfer.

I read the book. I liked it okay. It had a problem with being emotional at the right time. It wasn’t. I had high hopes (don’t know why) that the movie would flesh it out and I’d get something dramatically fantastic. That was not the case. I got something that looked like a slasher slashed the film and a blind person (har har) put it back together. The edits were awkward. It’s worse (and I know some people think that’s not possible) than The Last Airbender. It bugs me, because I know that Pettyfer and Vanessa Hudgens are not terrible actors. They are good. Amazingly, Mary-Kate Olsen was the shinning star. She did a good job. I was very, very disappointed. The end was terrible. The transformation of Kyle to the “beast” and the “beast” to Kyle was the cheapest work ever. It was as if they asked a three year old to cut up construction paper and throw it around and that’s what they used. The idea is so fantastic that screwing it up can only be blamed on lazy people doing lazy work.

It pisses me off that I did not like this movie. I hate everyone (but the actors) who was involved in this. Director, writer, light person…whatever. Hate them.

I write like: Cory Doctorow

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