Survivor: Redemption Island E1 -- Agent Dumb Shows His Undercarriage--not pretty

The contestants sit in a helicopter that’s taking them to the rainy area that Survivor LOVES to play in. They already look like a bunch of annoying people and they aren’t doing much but sitting silently. This is going to be a fun season.

When Probst says, “ONE SURVIVOR” I couldn’t help but see a *not Russell. Haha.

As with the previous seasons, I don’t use real names. They gotta earn it, because Survivor Contestants might be the smartest of all Reality TV, but they are still not smart enough to have their real names used. Let the nicknaming begin.

Marine 1 thinks he’s trained for this show. He might be trained for the physical aspect, but he sure the hell not trained for the social. We’ll see.

Boston Rob and Russell land in a different helicopter. Boston Rob gets applause and Russell gets an almost audible deaf person clap. Probst has them draw for buffs to see what tribe they’ll be on.

The tribes have names, but they are far too complicated for me to remember right now. Therefore, I’m going to call them either Orange Tribe and Purple Tribe or Boston Rob’s Tribe or Russell’s Tribe, respectively. It’ll be a mood thing.

Jeff explains the trials of Redemption Island. Oohs and ahhs are huffed.

Russell OMGed and yammered about how he could win Redemption Island if he were voted off. Okay, go ahead, get voted off, and let’s see you put your money where your lying mouth is. Oh, you don’t care to be voted off…all talk and NO show. He doesn‘t win challenges because he sucks at them, for one and two he’s not smart enough. The way he plays the game is so see through he might as well stop hiding what everyone knows he’s doing.

Russell wants to be the leader. He tells his tribe that it’s going to be hard. That’s Russell Speak (Henceforth known as RS -- play off of BS if you didn’t catch on) for trying to scare the diapers off the newbies. Oh, next he says, “I’m not here to sabotage anything” --- RS translation: “I am here to sabotage EVERYTHING.” He ends with the only true statement that shows his hand all too well “I’m here to win”. RS translation = I am going to vote you out if you are smarter than me. Now where’s a dumb young woman I can brain fondle?

On Russell’s Tribe there’s Farmer Bill who knows how to fix this and that…and he helps them build a great shelter because he’s a smarty overalls (instead of pants---Just helping you out).

Boston Rob helps his tribe build a great shelter as well. He’s a helpful person because he is and because it’s the way to stay in the game and not be voted off. Layback is also a way to get with the young people and have them under your thumb so they’ll vote your way without thinking it’s your way. He’s so much better than Russell.

On Boston Rob’s Tribe there’s Agent Dumb. Agent Dumb tells the ladies that he is an ex Federal Agent. He did this to impress those with breast. I don’t know. This is a case of someone doing something so dumb it doesn’t make sense because it’s so hard to believe someone would be that dumb. That is until Tribal Council. He can one up himself a lot, I bet. He say he can read people really well and when they merge, he’ll be able to tell all his little girls who’s a baddy and who’s a goody. Yes, he can. *pinches cheeks*. He kisses all the ladies and passes on his mono. Next to his unearned real name, it states Former Federal Agent? Haha.

Lady in Red uses her unsubtle tactics to search for a clue for the Hidden Immunity Idol. Boston Rob notices right away. He’s the only one who does.

Agent Dumb babbles about something and decides that he’ll align with the ladies and help vote off whomever they want, as long as it’s his choice.

Russell picks Whore Waitress (because she showed her goods to him--her dumbness--and because she wanted her brain to be fondled by RS words) to align with. Oh how unpredictable that was. Thank you for that excitement. Please don’t thrill me any more, I don’t think I can take it.

Marine 1 knows Russell’s game and wants him gone. It would be so funny if he were the first person voted off his tribe. I would love it just because he was voted out and to watch him fail at Redemption Island. He’s so sure of himself that he can’t sink he might as well just tattoo Titanic to his butt and be done with it. Boston Rob starring as the iceberg.

Lady in Red wants to get rid of Boston Rob. She’s not smart enough, though she has a lioness’ snarl. She finds the HI before Russell even thinks of looking for it. Then she rehides it. She wants to tell someone, but that never ends well. When will these people learn that the HI causes way more problems than it solves.

Agent Dumb is in his underwear that really is not at all flattering. Just sayin. He wants to say the word Collaboration to Smiley and Lady in Red, but instead says Cobblernation or some other food nation. No matter, it makes me hungry. Smiley and Lady in Red decide it is in their best interest to align with Agent Dumb who cannot form a single sentence together without outdoing Coach on his worst day on Delusion Island. He even takes it upon himself to tell them to shut up as if they were little school children. It’s cute.

Immunity Challenge

Russell’s Tribe makes it all the way to the puzzle WAY BEFORE Boston Rob’s Tribe. When Boston Rob’s Tribe makes it to the puzzle, they make up a lot of ground. So much ground that they were no longer WAY BEHIND. However, Russell’s Tribe wins. Which makes Russell go into a whine winner mode about how much stronger they were, that’s true, and how much smarter they were, that’s not true. If his tribe was smarter they would have won before Boston Rob’s Tribe even got to the puzzle, but alas, they didn’t. Therefore, they’re not that bright. Oops.

Russell’s Tribe wins Immunity and flint to make fire. No one made fire on their own. They be not awesome like Jane.

Boston Rob’s Tribe has to go to Tribal Council.

Lady in Red, against my better judgment, tells Smiley she has HI. She wants to blindside Boston Rob, who, let’s not forget, knew she was snooping around for it. Smiley doesn’t think it’s a great idea to do that, because Boston Rob is strong and they need strength, and they don’t have the numbers if the rest of the tribe gets pissed at them.

Boston Rob wants Smiley out because she didn’t like him upon first meeting when he got out of the helicopter and because he believes she’s on to his game. He wants Lady in Red out because he believes she has the HI, so he split the vote in hopes of getting rid of one of them and he idol.

Agent Dumb complains about nothing so Lady in Red, against my better judgment again, shows him the HI. Never, ever tell a crazy person that you have HI. Why? That’s answered shortly.

Agent Dumb proceeds to prove that Coach is an amazing philosopher by comparison. Agent Dumb thinks that when Boston Rob is gone he’ll become the new leader. Yeah, because he oozes leadership like he oozes brain matter.

Tribal Council

Agent Dumb believes he suggests how people should do things and he does, by suggesting his way is right and their way isn’t.

Lady in Red tries really hard to make it appear as if she is on the chopping block. She tries to push attention on voting her out a little too much. Boston Rob plays a humility card by stating he could be going home and there’s nothing he could do about it. He already defended against going home. He’s placating very well with that comment.

Agent Dumb flips a bag of crazy and says he was asked to vote out Boston Rob by Smiley and Lady in Red. He tries hard to say Smiley’s real name right, but can’t because his mouth is dry and he’s getting help for that. He needs to get help for the delusions that have set up roost in his hayseed filled head. Oh and he spills the beans on Lady in Red’s not so hidden-hidden immunity idol.

Boston Rob asks to see the HI and she shows him. He says if she gives it to him, she can stay.
However, if she plays it then she can still stay and the HI is gone. That’s what Boston Rob wants anyway. He hates that part of the game. He hates the HI and thinks it’s useless, and he’s right. It’s essentially is if you don’t know what you’re doing with it.

She doesn’t give it to him. She holds on to it even when the votes are read.

These people are dumber than the rocks CBS found them under.

Three votes for Lady in Red, two votes for Agent Dumb and four votes for Smiley. Smiley is gone whose real name was (according to Agent Dumb) Franchesewize…?

Smiley leaves and says don’t trust Agent Dumb. That goes without saying.

She’s now on Redemption Island where maybe, just maybe, she might earn the right for me to use her real name. Her vote out goes to show that you cannot just say whatever you want and expect to get away with it. Her comment about how Boston Rob looked like he was figuring out how to hunt them came back and snuffed out her now flame retardant torch.

Until next time. The caustic Survivor Fan has spoken…

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