“Blue Valentine” Who Feels Sorry for People Like This?

Genres: Drama and Romance
Running Time: 1 hr. 54 min.
Release Date: December 29th, 2010 (limited)
MPAA Rating: R for strong graphic sexual content, language, and a beating.
Distributors: The Weinstein Company


Director: Derek Cianfrance

JJ Rating: D+

See it again: Never.
Own it: Never x a billion.
Recommend it to: Those that believe swearing unnecessarily and sex make for a more believable reality. Diluted is awesome when best shared with the majority.


Good
Acting by everyone in the film.

Bad
Everything else.
The idea of marriage.
The idea of friendship.
The idea of anything that is remotely happy.
The idea that drama that’s worse than Gossip Girl weekly storyline makes good film material.
The script was poor and I didn’t care about anyone…not even the little girl. Had a rabid dolphin infected them all I wouldn’t have even shed a single tear.

Dean (Ryan Gosling) and Cindy (Michelle Williams) are married and OMG their marriage falls apart in a weird documentary fashion. Fun. Blue Valentine.

I don’t know which is worse this or Black Swan. I gave BS (love it…so going to use those initials. It fits.) a B- because the last fifteen minutes were very good excluding a constipated look by the main actress who I’m sick of hearing about let alone talking about. She is not at fault for people’s sick infatuation with her mediocre acting. This doesn’t mean she can’t act, it means she didn’t do great in that BS film. Between BS and BV (which sounds like used underwear) they share one thing and that’s terrible, ungrateful, hateful and totally unworthy of emotional care for--characters. If there were, awards for the worst characters of the year these two films would be nominated. I could careless if a person came into the film and shot both Dean and Cindy in the face, strung up their bodies, and spit on them. They lacked common sense.

I’m well aware that humans are not perfect, but to write characters that are so boring and useless is also not human. I don’t understand why Williams was nominated at all, because if she was nominated why wasn’t Gosling? She didn’t act better than he did. Again proving how either the actresses this year didn’t act well or the Academy plain SUCKS at nominating.

Marriage, according to this film, is something you fall into and just do nothing to maintain it until it falls apart. They make mistakes in this that are ridiculous. It’s like watching stupid and stupid. I enjoyed how the story tried (not hard enough) to intertwine past and presence to make Dean look like a douche because Cindy met an ex only to understand exactly why he was pissed a moment later. That was well done. That doesn’t make up for the crap that they try to pass as a normal marriage. People praise this movie as a “real portrayal of marriage”--uh no. It’s more like a poor man’s idea of what marriage is supposed to be about. I’d like to see a film try to actually care about marriage more than the drama. Real marry people who actually love one another have problems but guess what they do? They try to work through them. There’s no such thing as falling out of love. If you fall out of love, guess what? You never were in love. Love is the most powerful human emotion…more than hate and anger. You can’t fall out of the most powerful emotion. That’s as reasonable and possible as falling out of a sealed box.

BV lasted far too long and the end was apparent from the beginning, why didn’t they just get to the point quicker? Was the falling a part that beautiful that it couldn’t go faster? No. It was horrendous. It was as beautiful as the smell of burning green grass--which, by the way, smells terrible.

The sex scenes were pointless. Some will argue that they were important to the story. No they weren’t. Anything they showed during those scenes could have been showed in many different ways and would been just as, if not more so, powerful than they weren’t as shown.

Dean has a tattoo of the Giving Tree, that was awesome. I loved that. I also think that Williams acting with her jealous for her daughter was subtly great. The past and present back and forth worked in The Social Network and mostly worked here. The story didn’t have a payoff and it sure the hell didn’t pull a single heartstring. I wanted it to commit suicide so I could at least watch some feeling happen on the screen, but it dragged like a zombie without Zoloft.

The audience and critics love BV. It is one of the worst films about marriage and it’ll be forgotten. No one will recall it five years from now. They’ll recall The Social Network, Inception and a few others, but not this film or BS. They are films that tried too hard to be different and failed. The only reason they are liked at all is the awards. Trust me, if the awards ignored them, no one would give two poops in a potty-trained toilet for either. You may waste your time seeing it and if you like it, you are a sad, sad little moviegoer.

I write like: Cory Doctorow

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