Survivor: Nicaragua Episode 1-3 Days: Release The Stupid

Survivor: Nicaragua started Wednesday September 16th on CBS and it didn’t disappoint with how incredibly stupid people start to act. Not only do they act stupid they start reeling off comments that are so asinine it’s amazing that they even have a brain inside that coconut of a shell they call a head.

They all come to a mat and are sent off, in what they assume are their tribes, to find the Medallion of Power. A flirty ding bat found it. She’s already on my nerves because she thinks flirting is the way to get to the end. There’s the whore way of winning that makes you less human (flirting or just being Russell) and there’s the fun, crass way that actually has a bit of humanity wrapped in care like Sandra.

Anyway, they all come back happy that the little flirty ding bat found the MoP. Then they find out that the tribes are split via age instead of how they are right at that moment. YAY young people scream cause they like to be around the same impatient, illogical, egotistical, attitude ridden, flea infested bucket heads. If I were on Survivor I’d be on the young tribe, but if I were on this show and he said young vs. old, I’d roll my eyes until they fell out of my face.

Jeff says that they can keep MoP or give it to the older people in exchange for fishing gear and flint. I thought they’d be stupid enough to not give it up, but they did give it up and the older tribe gets the MoP (that they don’t use) and then they get the gear and the flint. Then go to their tribe home to display how young people beget stupidness and hollow thinking.

That was until I started hearing the yammering of an older person [with facial hair that makes him look like a villain for a dastardly film and a name that makes me want to say McFly] talking about Jimmy Johnson and how he doesn’t like him and how he’s going to try and be a big bossy coach. Ohgoodlordinheaven. SOMEONE has to lead. SOMEONE. There’s no such thing as a tribe that has no leader. ALWAYS there will be a leader. ALWAYS. Stick a bunch of deaf people into a group and without vocalizing it they’ll pick a leader. A leader will rise no matter who is in a group. In preschool they even have leaders and those children aren’t even whole people. ALWAYS. It is a constant. WHY can people NOT learn this? Every single beginning of Survivor they whine about a leader coming and how they shouldn’t be so bossy as they tell others how to treat them. You know, in a bossy way.

The older tribe is called Espada and the younger tribe is called La Flor (reminds me of LOST). The stupid on both is well balanced. I personally thought there would be more stupid (like a ton more) on the younger tribe, but there’s just a smidgen more.

There is a girl on the younger tribe that lost her leg because of a birth defect. Comment after comment of idiots talking about how she’ll get the sympathy vote. OMG seriously? That’s what you’re thinking of? You’re not even to the merge yet and you think you’ll be anywhere near the end? Egotistical. You have a brain defect and yet you might still win the game despite that.

Then this dark haired guy that looks like he’s going to strangle you with his eyes after his hair drowns you in the grease that it’s drenched in starts talking about how stupid blonds are, but specifically a blond guy on their tribe. Not to mention Mr. strangle-eyes-mightier-than-all has a girly name. Maybe that’s why he’s so huffy, plus he’s from Louisiana.

Watch out I’m about to say BLACK GIRL. The black girl better not cop an attitude that would rival the Wal-Mart patrons I see when I go in past 9:30pm. She’s already started with whipin’ up a ‘tude storm over peg leg. Yes there are white people at the Wal-Mart that look like the trailer threw them up, but they are not who I’m talking about. Oh and what do you know the previews for next week show her getting all mad acting as if she’s the only one that has the right to. Cute. And who is she yelling at? The only person that looks like he can have fun and doesn’t have a stick up his butt…the “dumb” blond. Personally I don’t think he’s dumb, just different.

AND flirty girl uses her Ursula like tendrils to molest a tribesman to get her way. The man that got touched should have NOT shared that there was an all male alliance forming. IDIOT. I hope those tendrils strangle you and leave you for dead. Make you walk the trail of graves.

Jimmy pumps up the older people like a coach before a challenge. The younger people cheer like cheerleaders (which is what Flirty Ursula was) as they come to the mat for the first immunity challenge. Funny is that most of the guys didn’t join them in their girly cheer, smart men. The older tribe is asked if they want to use the MoP to get a bucket up and they said no. They didn’t need the help. If they said yes, they’d have to give the MoP to the younger tribe and they’d get to use it at another challenge. One person pours the water, others hold gutters to guide the water to the bucket and fill it. When it fills and falls it releases puzzle pieces that the rest of the tribe puts together to win immunity.

Younger tribe wins, of course, just as I predicted (though later their personal conflicts and egos will make them lose). But they barely win…they don’t STOMP the older people. If the older tribe had taken the bucket up, they would have possibly loss still. They were having trouble with the puzzle. That’s because the younger tribe had the Asian and as we all know in Survivor the tribe with the Asian wins the puzzles every single time. Go watch playbacks.

The older tribe goes back and sulks and whines and big Machete looking guy complains about Jimmy. He’s not going to help us. He’s not going to not want to win. SO WHAT? He could be helpful. Use people like Kleenexes to get to the end. Don’t get rid of them just because you don’t like them or are jealous of them. Get rid of them if they don’t have any more use for you. Russell fail to understand that…which was shocking to hear Rob and Russell’s names in this episode. I always feared not being able to see the previous Survivor if I were to be on the show. Now I have hope…ahhhhh.

Older people whine and complain about breaking alliances so early and this and that and that and this and…..whatever.

Anyway at tribal they don’t say much that is interesting, but there is a lot of eye rolling. That’s what younger people do. I thought old people lose that ability once they turn 35. Jeff says, “It’s time to vote….” but someone stops him from saying more. Who was it? Wendy the weirdo (according to her tribemates) that has to go off on a tangent explaining how loyal she is and how fantastic she smells and makes great cupcakes. They should keep her.

They don’t. She gets everyone’s vote but her own.

Wendy goes first from the older tribe. Her fire snuffed by Jeff. Then, like a dark humored story, she has to waltz off into the dark past graves. Nice one, Survivor.

I’ve been looking forward to this show. I don’t write enough as is in my life /sarcasm, so I decided to write on Survivor and be really sarcastic and snaky.

Yes I didn’t put many names. That’s because I believe in earning your name used. How do you earn it? By being voted off (maybe--unless Flirty Ursula gets voted off before the merge, she’ll keep that nickname) or by staying on the show long enough for me to care to know your name.

Until next time…The Caustic Survivor Fan has spoken.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Awesome recap, hopefully you'll write one every week.

Hollywood Dump on Facebook

In addition to the articles we post here, we also link to stories we think are interesting and post them to our Facebook page. If you're on FB, become a fan!