“Piranha 3D” Boobs, Lesbians and Boobs oh Porn

Ooh i know where i want to swim to save my life...that thing right there. What? There's already a lot of people on it and it's tilting into the water? So what...it's safe. Ugh...I want to see a horror movie that has high IQ people in it. A Mensa Horror film.

Genres: Suspense/Horror, Thriller and Remake
Running Time: 1 hr. 29 min.
Release Date: August 20th, 2010 (wide)
MPAA Rating: R for sequences of strong bloody horror violence and gore, graphic nudity, sexual content, language and some drug use.

Director: Alexandre Aja

JJ Rating: D-

See it again: Never.
Own it: Haha, yeah right.
Recommend it to: Anyone that loves to see gratuitous boobs in 3D…*yawn* Trust me, Google boobs. Why did I see it? DARN YOU high rating on Rotten Tomatoes.

Put on your Real-D glasses and see piranhas kill people? NO! You get to see women kiss and close up of boobs. Why? Because you don’t have Google and need a cheap thrill. Piranha 3D.

Oh no the piranhas are coming to eat us. Let’s show boobs. Boobs are pretty. Boobs are nice, but as I’ve said before---movies are for stories and fun, not for I don’t know what this is. It is a strict reason as to why I do not see horror films. I hate screaming. I hate unnecessary (which is 99% of the time) nudity. I can’t stand stupid people…and horror films have a need, just like alien sightings, to harp on the stupid. I can’t stand the idea of “Oh have a little fun and kiss another girl” when that same mentality isn’t used for guys. It’s as annoying as women claiming they want equality but really mean they want to be treated better than men. “We want to walk around with no shirts.” Okay, guess being taken seriously isn’t exactly what you’re after. Might as well walk around with no shirts with blood all over you and scream and then people will treat you better. That’s what horror films show me.

I never watch horror movies like this (Saw and Final Destination are my exceptions because they actually have a story and are fun sans the screaming) because they are like the fast food of the film industry. They (and I know that Saw and Final Destination toe that very line, but they toe it so well--like Chick-fil-A) will make you stupid just like fast food will eventually make you fat. In essence they’re just looking to turn you into one of their asinine characters who scream at the dumbest things and jump at the sound of the wind, all the while flashing anyone someone’s boobs. Well if you don’t have boobs you’ll ask to see boobs. Boobs, boobs, boobs and more boobs and not just the ones that are locked away in a woman’s chest. Again, boobs are great…but it’s not what is necessary for a film. Then again I forget it’s horror and horror has no story. It’s all about the screaming and the boob bouncing and women kissing…all of which Google can share with a few choice words.

Oh and the ending sucks. That’s all. Thanks for reading this terrible review about a terrible craptastic film that’s capping off the end of this horrendous summer. What? There’s one more weekend? Ugh…

I write like: Margaret Atwood

1 comment:

Phantom said...

Thank you for standing against this piece of s***!

Very good review!

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