“The Expendables” Needed More Action and Less Talkin’

Genres: Action/Adventure and Crime/Gangster
Running Time: 1 hr. 43 min.
Release Date: August 13th, 2010 (wide)
MPAA Rating: R for strong action and bloody violence throughout, and for some language.
Distributors: Lionsgate

Director: Sylvester Stallone

JJ Rating: B-

See it again: No.
Own it: No.
Recommend it to: Those that think these action stars are too awesome for words.

A bunch of action stars get together and do action stuff…sort of. The Expendables.

There is a lot of guts thrown about in this film, that was to be expected. There was a lot of bravado, that was to be expected. There was a lot of testosterone that one could have turned from a woman to a man just by sitting through the film. It does make me question how much of a man I am, cause half that stuff they did in that film-I couldn’t. Haha.

The action was not as much as I had expected. It wasn’t as good, either. It lacked originality. But I will say that one part of the film where a special shotgun is being used to destroy the bad guys, that it appeared to be done like a video game. You are the hero with a gun and you shoot the bad guys…what happens? They explode and if that video game is mature they don’t explode into coins (like Scott Pilgrim), they explode into inners and blood and puppy dog tails. That was dark humor funny to me. The camera work was shoddy. I felt like I was watching a retro 80’s film and that sucks when I didn’t pay retro 80’s dollars to see it. If the camera was any closer I’d understand where they shot themselves up with the extra testosterone needed to get through this brutal film. I laugh, because it does make me feel weak for not being all WOWed by the entire spectacle. But when The Last Airbender is questioned on story and lack and then The Expendables is praised on nothing but the famous names it has….it’s questionable whether people understand quality and substance at all. If the movie had been done with unknowns it would have been far less than 50% on Rotten Tomatoes and not so well loved on IMDB.

I know, because that’s why I decided to see it. I wanted to see the names. I expected the action to be the main part of the story, more so than it was. The storyline was so weak that it must have been infected by estrogen and it should have been overshadowed by the awesome action and made me not care, but it wasn’t.

There is a scene when Mickey Rourke talks about a suicide and how it affected him. I thought that was well done except for the fact that he had drool on his lip. Not appealing when the camera is so close to his face I can see where the plastic surgeon screwed up. Then there the scene where Jet Li talks about how he is so small. Funny, funny stuff that was as well as the scene with Arnold vs. Sly in the church with Willis on point. Best action moment was with Jason Statham (my favorite) popping out the nose of the plane to shoot guns at the bad guys. Great cast, that cannot be disputed and they have so much awesome packed wherever they pack it, that when they die the action genre will suffer mighty, mighty blows. If there were a Hall of Fame for males that existed over the centuries, they’d all be in it.

Every single one of them in that film could kick my tail from here to the end of the universe. I have no doubt about it. But I’m pretty sure if it came down to sharp wit I’d carve my name into their brain. It works both ways. I’m a power hitter with words, they are a power hitter with fist and kicks and all kinds of awesome things I could never do and, yes, I wish I could and no, this has nothing to do with jealousy. My love for movies is all I care about when I write reviews. Was I entertained, did I have fun and what did I learn? Are things I ask. The big question when it comes to The Expendables is was it entertaining. I thought I would be, but I wasn’t.

The Expendables will do fantastic at the box office. It’ll be something that guys will gush over because of the action and who is in it. I don’t see how it’ll be more than a film that’s awesome by idea and names alone. Maybe if they make a second one and harvest the awesome out of this one, then maybe it’ll work better. I think they can pump out a massive action packed film that didn’t hinge on Rambo-like action. Something more modern and less from childhood memory would be great. What do I know? I’m just a guy that carves names into people’s brains with strong wit and deep thought.

I write like: Cory Doctorow

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