“Twilight: Eclipse” Needs a Man’s Touch: Zombies

Genres: Drama, Romance, Thriller, Adaptation, Sequel and Teen
Running Time: 2 hr. 4 min.
Release Date: June 30th, 2010 (wide)
MPAA Rating: PG-13 for intense sequences of action and violence, and some sensuality.
Distributors: Summit Entertainment, LLC

Director: David Slade

JJ Rating: D-

See it again: NEVER.
Own it: Hahaha. That’s a good one.
Recommend it to: Any female that believes these books are sweet and enchanting. Diluted…sorry did I type that out?

I love you Edward.
I love you Bella.
Shut up, she loves me. I smell it with my doggy sense.
Please she can’t love a dog, that’s bestially.
And what is loving a vampire? Necrophilia?
Take that back, I’m polite and overly nice.
Hell no, I’m more male than you and all your dead sparkly parts.
Boys, boys, boys please keep fighting over me. It makes me feel wanted, even if I don’t smile more.
See, she loves me!
No, she loves me!
It continues for 2+ hours just like that, but with a bit of fighting that bores and a flood saccharine lines that gives everyone ear cavities.
-Twilight: Eclipse

The only reason New Moon is better is because Jacob tells Bella to stay in the truck. His brutish (in comparison to Edward’s personality) behavior made for an awesome scene. Eclipse is the same old same old with the “Omg I love Edward, but come here Jacob and let me tease you” and then a bit of boring fighting and you got yourself Twilight: Eclipse. What are these books about? It can’t possibly have an actual story. It’s too much about who’s she going to open herself up to next and who she’s going to kiss and touch. It’s like a sex addict. It reminds me a lot of Bill Cosby’s “The Apple” “Come here, come here, no go away, go away.” Her mentality is like I have to try out the merchandise before I pick who is best fit for me. She tried Edward and liked him, but she had to make sure she disliked Jacob first.

Bella’s back and forth between Edward and Jacob is obnoxious. The entire series seems to stem from her indecision and it, yes, bothers me. She needs to have a female villain that tries to take one of the boys to show her how it feels, to make her appreciate what she has. Edward is so weak and spineless. Why does someone have to show such traits just to be respectful and treat women equally? Jacob is aggressive and not bland, more male and normal and less fictional and not a lie.

The best part of Twilight: Eclipse has to be the back-stories. They added a bit of personality to the characters. Told why Jasper (Jackson Rathbone ) stands as if he’s in the military. I liked that aspect. That gave the film more credit for existing.

Jackson Rathbone had a bigger role in Twilight: Eclipse than in Airbender and that’s weird considering he’s a main character in Airbender and not in Eclipse.

The close emotional mucky scenes between Bella and Edward are nothing more than bleh. I expected as much, but I hoped for more.

I don’t understand why Jacob had a small mustache throughout the movie. It scared me. He was a bit creepy for having an almost but not quite mustache. He would not look good with one. To add to the creepy Jacob had to mention imprinting. "You'd know if I imprinted you." What? That's the grosses thing Jacob's ever said. I was very disappointed.

If they ever want to make Twilight, the film or book, more macho all they have to do is add a pinch of zombies. Those would rule the film. Maybe Seth Grahame-Smith could be the writer to do it. I think that would out sale the original. I know, wishful thinking.

Eclipse is a film I’ll never see again and never want to see again. The fight scenes were dull and the vampires didn’t sparkle. It’s like only Edward gets to sparkle. How stupid is that? I think the books and movies should be re-titled to Bella’s Indecision because she can’t decide who to pick for 2,000+ pages and in movies it’s 6+ hours. Are you ready for a whirlwind of yes, no and maybe so? Well then, you’re ready to step into Bella’s horrendous world that totally pictures males in the most unrealistic way possible. That males are only on this planet to fight over non-smiling (though she technically did smile more in this film than the previous two and hardly bit her lip), moody females that need to have two males want them or their life sucks…literally. Speaking of sucking, Eclipse does nothing but suck. Suck the fun, the smart, and the entertaining out of watching movies. Yay.

PS. Craptastic Summer Movie #6

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