“Clash of the Titians” is an Epic Bore.

Genres: Action/Adventure and Remake
Running Time: 1 hr. 50 min.
Release Date: April 2nd, 2010 (wide)
MPAA Rating: PG-13 for fantasy action violence, some frightening images and brief sensuality.
Distributors: Warner Bros. Pictures Distribution

Director: Louis Leterrier

JJ Rating: C-

Watch it Again: No.
Own it: No.
Recommend it to: No one, especially not those that really like the original.

This is where I explain what the story is about. I hated the story so much that I’m not going to do that this time. The original story in the 1981 version was so much better and I’m going to explain why over and over again. Clash of the Titians the remake that just never should have happened.

I have seen the original. Claymation sucks. I don’t think anyone can convince me otherwise. It’s pretentious and totally bleh. And to make matters worse it makes something that’s supposed to be serious look totally joke worthy. But the Original Clash is better because the story was better. All the remake had to do was improve on the monsters with CGI makeover, but they decided it was best to just redo the whole movie in their own boring image.

All they had to do was improve the graphics, the look of the film that used boring claymation. Instead they tried to improve upon it with boring, boring additions. They added Hades and replaced the importance of four women characters with a cup of boring and a side of boring and boring sauce poured all over it. Athena, Adromeda, Thetis and Hera were not used as much in the 2010 version as they were in 1981. I’ve listed the characters and highlighted the ones that are the same in the first bill list. Massive difference should be noted. I even think that they added three new characters to the 2010 one and decided that Hades was evil and therefore should be used as the villain instead of the perfectly fine badness of the goddesses.

Cast of Characters 2010
Calibos / Acrisius
Sheikh Sulieman

Cast of Characters 1981

Stygian Witch
Stygian Witch
Stygian Witch

It is just like American Idol. The judges state that some songs just cannot be changed and that they are fine the way they are. Clash of the Titians is the same. The story was not the problem, it was the look. It was like a homeless person with a great singing voice. You would love to listen to them, but the smell and the look makes it difficult. All they had to do was change the clothes and give it a bath, but they decided to do some plastic surgery.

It just didn’t work.

I am very disappointed. Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief had the gods and they were far more engaging than those in Clash of the Titans. I have to say the floor of the throne room was freakin’ awesome. It was of the world with cloud cover. Then again this makes me sad, because in the original the gods used figures to manipulate the humans and that would have been great to see here. Hephaestus created an owl to help Perseus in the original, but in this version all they did was pay homage to it by showing the owl. It’s like car history in movies. In the 50’s and 60’s cars were so cool looking and stylish. They might not have got great gas mileage but they looked hot. Then the 80’s came and they just all looked the same with more boring than “Bueller? Bueller?” Hollywood of late (or even further than) mirrors this with story. There are great stories that have been told on the silver screen decades ago. Now they have technology that can make little blue Smurfs look real but no substance to make them feel real.

If I had to choose I’d choose story over looks any time. I think the 81 version looks bland, dry and not at all charming, but the story and the acting (the 2010 version has great acting but the drab story totally makes that irrelevant) were fantastic. Again, all they had to do was improve, but they got haughty and decided to do more and now all we have to show for their need to be important is an answer to: So how did you waste your evening?

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