Kevin Smith: Hollywood's Sad Retarded Kid

Dear Kevin Smith,

I used to really admire your creative genius, but that was about 13 years ago.

Since 1994s' "Clerks" launched you into the big time, and 1997's "Chasing Amy" made you a hero of the comic book geek crowd, It's fair to say that your batting average for cranking out hit movies has been pretty poor.

The consensus for your latest film "Cop Out" is that it's downright terrible: Out of 127 reviews counted at Rotten Tomatoes, the best it could get was 19% fresh.

Now, you've always been a very outspoken guy, and I admire that,  but instead of taking your licks and dealing with the negative press, you're getting bent out of shape and lashing out at the critics for calling the  movie crap. Seriously? You are bitching at the critics for calling it a bad movie? That's amusing. 

The gang over at "Get the Big Picture" put together an interesting collection of your Twitter posts, pissing and moaning about those who thought that  "Cop Out" was bad.

Here are some of your more memorable remarks:

"Film fandom’s become a nasty bloodsport where cartoonishly rooting for failure gets the hit count up on the ol’ brand-new blog. And if a schmuck like me pays you some attention, score! MORE EYES, MEANS MORE ADVERT $.

Its not just film fandom that's a bloodsport, its Hollywood as a whole. I won't deny that this business runs on schadenfreude, but I call em like I sees em, Kev. Unlike some other, more prominent names in the film blog biz, If a movie is bad, Im going to actually say its bad. Advertising money has nothing to do with it. (Especially since The Hollywood Dump doesn't make shit from advertising.)

"Watching them beat the shit out of it was sad. Like, it’s called #CopOut; that sound like a very ambitious title to you?"


So you are admitting that you didn't really put much effort into writing this one!  OK, the movie was originally going to be called "A Couple of Dicks" but for some reason, the studio had a problem with that title. Can you blame them?  It doesn't take a film degree from USC to tear your films apart, Mr. Smith. Especially when you put so little effort into writing them.

"Writing a nasty review for #CopOut is akin to bullying a retarded kid who was getting a couple chuckles from the normies by singing AFTERNOON DELIGHT."

Self-deprication is not going to redeem you, Kevin. It's brutally obvious that you phoned this one in and I am utterly shocked that a studio allowed you to make this shitty film in the first place. You've been resting on your laurels since 1997 and it's fair to say that you haven't been able to come up with anything comparable since. (Dare I bring up "Jersey Girl?")

If I had to guess, you are a one-trick pony that's been able to con Hollywood into thinking you're still marketable. And now that people are starting to get wise to this, you're biting the hand that feeds you?

"Realized whole system’s upside down: so we let a bunch of people see it for free & they shit all over it? Meanwhile, people who’d REALLY like to see the flick for free are made to pay? Bullshit: from now on, any flick I’m ever involved with, I conduct critics screenings thusly: you wanna see it early to review it? Fine: pay like you would if you saw it next week. Like, why am I giving an arbitrary 500 people power over what I do at all, let alone for free? " 

Because those 500 people have a significant impact on the millions of people that want to know more about the movie before they throw down hard-earned cash to see a crappy film. Just because you allow some critics to see your movie for free does not obligate them to break out the kneepads and blow sunshine up your ass. Honestly,  I actually have no problem with making critics pay to see movies early. But this means that they might have to decide which movie to see based on the amount of money they have in their wallets at the time, which means that some films will be skipped altogether.

If I've paid to see it, I damned well better be entertained for my money. And if I haven't been entertained, don't be surprised if I ask for my money back.

Here's a thought: instead of complaining that people are saying you made a shitty movie, STOP MAKING SHITTY MOVIES!

You're a big boy, Kev. You're from New Jersey, for crissakes. What happened to your balls? Quit crying like a little bitch, suck it up and write something that can be enjoyed by more than just the Jay and Silent Bob fanatics.

Thanks,

    -Judge




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