“Twilight Saga: New Moon” How to Feminize Vampires and Werewolves

Genres: Drama, Romance, Thriller, Adaptation, Sequel and Teen
Running Time: 2 hrs. 10 min.
Release Date: November 20th, 2009 (wide)
MPAA Rating:PG-13 for some violence and action.
Distributors: Summit Entertainment, LLC

Director: Chris Weit

JJ Rating: D

It is the second part of Twilight and has more Jacob the werewolf. Twilight Saga: New Moon.

Worse melodramatic mess than “Dawson’s Creek” or “The O.C.”--specifically a few episodes before Marissa was mercifully killed. I was wondering if Bella (Kristen Stewart) knew that it takes more muscles to frown than smile, because she seems to have the biggest difficulty in lifting those corners of her mouth and showing those pearly whites.

I don’t know which is worse Bella’s inability to decide between which freak she wants or the screaming retarded females who couldn’t help but to release their rape piercing vocals into my ears. They really know how to make werewolves and vampires into the girly-ist crap-spastic poo farm I have ever had the unjoy of viewing. AND if females think that if they act like Bella that they’ll get a guy, they are sorely mistaken.

I like Jacob (Taylor Launter). He is a strong character that has the sad life of being the better Wolverine to the Vampire less-than-Cyclops. Geek talk and if you know what I’m going on about then you win an award. I like Cyclops more than Wolverine. Twilight has a similar story triangle going like X-Men with Cyclops-Jean Grey-Wolverine. Though this one is extremely boring, destructively uncreative and ballsy bleh. If Jacob was not in the film as much as he was I would have totally checked out. I like that Launter worked hard to keep the part. I could never imagine being that lean. I don’t even think if I starved I would even become that thin. I have a huge frame (or so I think) and I don’t see how it’s possible to be that thin.

I think the werewolf should abort these films and make his own film. What do I know? I only like him because he’s not nice to Bella.

I almost hate myself for seeing this New Moon; almost. I think that it’s interesting because this proves that females are not smarter than males. Males love substance and apparently females love fantasies that could never, ever, ever become a true to life-tales. This film is what they should show to torture terrorist. Mark my words once the terrorist suspect gets to the five minute mark they’ll want to tell everything they know so that they do not have to suffer through the 2 hour and excruciating 10 minutes of this bile. Do not allow yourself to be dragged to this film. Do not do it. You might die from the sparkling reflection of the vampire who emotes all his feminine side and totally craps out his masculinity. Who knew that vampires could have their balls cut off? Apparently Stephenie Meyer knows the technique all too well; a little too well if you ask me.

7 comments:

The Judge said...

"rape piercing vocals"?

J_Jammer said...

Or screams....what have you. They were ridiculously retarded.

Anonymous said...

What a surprise, you get some dude, who isn't going to like this movie no matter what, to review it. And I'm sure you thought Ninja Assassin was spectacular!

merebear said...

"I think that it’s interesting because this proves that females are not smarter than males. Males love substance..." Are you fucking kidding me? Really? Males love substance? Fast and the Furious, that was incredibly deep. Any Vin Diesel movie, Larry the Cable Guy, Martin Lawrence films particularly the ones where he's in drag, Uwe Boll movies, hello! There is crap in Hollywood targeted towards men AND women. Way to try and see the movie from other angles. I'm sure you went in hating it and didn't give it a chance. Just saying that maybe you should have someone reviewing movies that will actually do the job and not just be a blind follower of haters.

Lord Awesometon said...

Wait, you hated this, but you liked Old Dogs? Really? Old Dogs? Take a look at rotten tomatoes. Granted it doesn't say great things for new moon at 29%, but old dogs got 5%. were you hit in the head? Why would you even review new moon, your nowhere near the demo. But apparently you are in dead center in the demo for terrible movie mistakes of old actors. I'll say it again, OLD DOGS! PS, way to alienate what few female readers you may have on the site by being a misogynistic ass right there at the end.

J_Jammer said...

No matter if it is 5% or 99% there is still a difference of opinion. Though I think the 20% that did not pike The Princess and the Frog are morons it does not alter their stance one bit.

I will not apologize for my opinion unless I really mean it and for this I would not mean it.

If women want to live in a world where men have no balls that id just fine. But don't think those men exist. Just like women say that those porn women are not real because of fake boobs or whatever....men do not want to here women judgments and yet the give them any way.

A B- is not me liking a movie. It is me not being bothered by it. Read the title and the last sentence.

And of women who read are that over sensitive then I do not care of I lost their readership.

Oh and if you wrote an awesome review leave a link so that I might add a fantastic comment.

Have great old moon day.

J_Jammer said...

"Pike" should be "like".

Just to give a musical answer:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6yQ9a-hJVy0

=)

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