And we at Media Morgue are no exception.
I asked two of our critics to bob for apples in the big tank of crappy movies that came out this year and come up with a list of ten. In hindsight, this was a terrible idea. First, I gave no instructions on how I wanted the article put together (part of my style of management known as "not doing shit"). As a result, there were two different ways that the films were evaluated.>
Second, because there were so many notably bad movies released this year, there were several films that didnt make the cut. I included them anyway.
So presented here is a hodge podge list of the 20 worst films of the year, along with a list of "dishonerable mentions"
And for the record, TV Maven wanted to make sure it was known that the terms "Stars" and "Plot" are used very loosly in his reviews.
JJ Rating: D-
This movie was a HUGE disappointment. I already thought it was going to be bad but I thought I’d give it a chance. I’m too good with knowing how well a movie is via the trailer that I didn’t even listen to the warning signals my brain was giving. I have sense forgiven myself but I have not forgiven Will F. for making me cry, not in laughter, but in pain.
19. Hottie and Nottie
Stars: Some REALLY ugly chick (Paris Hilton) and another chick made up to be ugly.
Plot: Dude stalks hot ex-girlfriend. Tries to ditch her ugly friend. Ugly friend becomes hot. Hijinks ensue.
Analysis: Not enough of Paris getting kicked in the genitals to carry a feature film. Speaking of which, IMDB lists plot keywords including “fungus”, “blister” and “box office flop”.
JJ Rating: D –
Blind movies have so much rich content that could be harnessed for the dramatic effects that they were born to create. But when a movie about blindness goes into the depths of hell with characters that like to be abused for no reason outside of because they choose to be stupid it’s annoying. Julianne Moore couldn’t save this film with her powerful ability to act herself out of such a hell. It just should have never made it out of the mind of the person that thought this was a refined idea.
17. Super Hero Movie
Stars: Nobody’d you know, or care to know after viewing.
Plot: Meaningful analysis of the psycho-social development of popular mythical super heros…just kidding…morons in tights mock super hero movies. Hijinks aplenty. Laughs afew.
Analysis: Inadvertently parodies the habit of running a franchise to death by running a franchise to death. From the guys who broght you “Scary Movie”… ‘nuff said.
16. 88 Minutes
JJ Rating: D-
A storyline that thinks the viewer is stupid is in itself a waste of time. 88 minutes seems like short time until you watch this film and then you feel like you’ve been tortured at Guantanamo. Ok, maybe not, but if one wants to know how that feels for 88 minutes then they can see this movie. I’m not making light of those people that have suffered such atrocities there, I’m just making fun of this movie how they can use it to torture people instead of water boarding or playing NIN’s music.
15. Prom Night
Stars: Brittany Snow…you know…the hot blond from “Hairspray” that wasn’t John Travolta in Drag.
Plot: Brand-new, original concept: serial killer stalks beautiful high school chick.
Analysis: This is a second re-make of a movie that sucked from the get-go. A disaster only outstripped by my own prom night experiences (which did not feature Brittany Snow).
14. Transporter III
JJ Rating: C-
Transporter was so good. It wasn’t good for the storyline (though that was decent), it was good for the action. That was all they had to do was have a decent storyline and pepper the film with great action sequences that had great kicks and scenes like the oil scene in the first one. Nope they couldn’t do that. Instead the decided to steal a page out of the disappointment that was Mission Impossible II and pepper romance. Gag. Fail.
Stars: Hayden “I ruined Star Wars” Christensen, and Rachel “I won’t discuss the O.C.” Beilson.
Plot: Christensen has the genetic ability we all wish he had in Eps. 2 and 3 of Star Wars: the ability to vanish! Samuel L. Jackson appears in his SECOND “trying to Kill Hayden’s character” role, and is sadly as unsuccessful as was his first attempt. BTW, WTF Is that on your head, Jackson?
Analysis: I would LOVE to know what nuclear power plant one would have to grow up in, on or under to develop a GENETIC mutation that allows you use wormholes to teleport. The device is as unrealistic as Christiansen playing a human being.
12. 10,000 BC
JJ Rating: C
A film that has a good up and coming star that turns into a fossilized of mammoth poo is sad. It was trying so hard to be epic and the only thing it got right was the wonderful CGI work of the sails in a boat. The romance was decent but everything else was nails on a chalk board bad.
11. The Eye
Stars: Jessica Alba (yum) and Parker Posey (strangely, also yum…)
Plot: Maimed at the age of five by her sister in a tragic “Easy-Bake” oven mishap (ok…I was getting popcorn…), Eye-transplant (and candy) Violinist Sydney is endowed (boy, I’ll say) with the ability to *whisper* see dead people! She seeks the donor of her new corneas apparently oblivious to the fact that the person in question is likely dead.
Analysis: A remake of a Hong-Kong thriller called “The Eye” (Chinese for “The Eye”), this horror film lacks gore. Mostly, It will leave you hungry for another horror movie in an hour. Note to Sydney: Flip-up corneas would be cool.
10. Saw V
JJ Rating: C
I like the Saw films like I liked Final Destination Trilogy. They have a great theme of death that I find interesting. The morality of Saw movies are so twisted, just like the production company name: Twisted Pictures…that I lower my standards and enjoy mind numbing film time. But this one was acting like the audience was full of stupid, back yard hillbillies who have nothing better to do than shoot squirrels with air pistols and fry them up on a fire that was started because of someone farting with hairspray to make a flame gun. It dumb-down something that was already dumb to begin with to a level that is just above amoeba. The storyline was so far fetched and boring that it couldn’t be enjoyed and the fairness of it all was lost. But I will be seeing Saw VI.
9. Fool’s Gold
Stars: That beautiful blonde bombshell….Matthew McConaughy …oh, yeah…and Kate Hudson, too.
Plot: Beautiful Kate Hudson in a bikini and…something about gold…or fools…or Donald Southerland’s fake English accent…Kate in a bikini…yum.
Analysis: Kate in a bikini is yummy, but not nearly enough to blow two hours of my life on such a crap movie…especially since she hooks up with megadouche Matthew (hands off, surfer-boy…she’s mine.)
8. Bangkok Dangerous
JJ Rating: D+
It was a remake. I didn’t see the original. I now don’t care too. Nicholas is just not cutting it any more. It’s like an old man showing up to high school parties pretending he’s still the hot jock he was 20 years ago. No. The action in the film was so straight to DVD it was not even funny…not even a little bit.
Stars: No one you’ve ever heard of.
Plot: A girl finds that her va-jay-jay has…you got it…
Analysis: Did you not READ the plot?!
6. The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor
JJ Rating: D+
I liked the first one and tolerated the second one. This III one was nothing more than an attempt to make money off of people who had semi hope in what was already a dying franchise. Sadly disappointment was all anyone got. Even with two great Asian actors they couldn’t save the movie from drowning in it’s on BS.
5. The Love Guru
Stars: Mike Meyers in a brief respite from playing a giant green Scottish toad.
Plot: Rude stereotype hangs out in America. You know…like Borat without the gravitas.
Analysis: Mike Myers is running out of mojo…fast.
JJ Rating: B-
Many people have this up on their list but for me it was a question of out of all these which would I rather see again? And this film came up as one that I would see again for bits and pieces and therefore it didn’t make my top ten worst and that’s why it’s at the bottom of the “Honorable” Mentions. It was suppose to be great. It wasn’t. He missed the mark and I think he knows why and even knew why when he was filming it. I know when my writing sucks when I submit a work or a story, so I know he knew his idea sucked while filming and editing and whatever else he had his hand in. He being Mike. Don’t worry, Mike, you have been defeated but that doesn’t mean you should quit; not yet.
4. The Changeling
JJ Rating: C-
Angelina Jolie is a great actress. I call her that because her name is to annoying to remember how to spell…and since this is all about disappointments I’m not going to spell out her name until she does something to repay me for wasting my time on this film. The first half is nothing but Amazing. Then they decided there needed to be more. Mistake. It not only killed me it made me wish that I had died by a painful means so that at least I would be experiencing something that would engage my mind unlike this trite mess.
3. Mad Money
Stars: Diane Keaton, Katie “Xenu” Holmes, Queen Latifah
Plot: Spoiled old white chick needs money. Assembles team of black lesbians and scientologists to steal decirculated money from the Federal Reserve. They get caught. They get off (not in the female-prison-movie sense). They stashed some of the money. They can now afford expensive hairpieces for Ted Danson.
Analysis: Dumb plot + loser- actor bouquet = minimal hijinks.
2. Pride and Glory
JJ Rating: C-
One of my favorite actors is in this film and one of the most self-centered actors is in this film. Favorite being Edward Norton and self-centered one being the other one I don’t care to mention. Cliché after cliché shoved in my face and down my throat did nothing but make me want to have a million dollars for no good reason just like most of these people got (and more) for thinking America needed more crap to take up shelf space on the DVD (or stupid blue ray) rack.
1. Babylon A.D
Stars: Vin Deisel, Some foreign jailbait-lookin chick.
Plot: Mercenary is paid to bring a girl to a dystopian Russia. Is unable to tell the difference between “regular” and dystopian Russia. Turns out this girl is Jesus, or Mary…or some such nonsense…she has a whole “virgin-pregnancy” thing going…until the kids come out, and it’s Jungle Fever FTW!
Analysis: Buoyed by Deisel’s nuanced performance as a post modern Paul of Tarsus… ha, ha!!! Gotcha! This movie sucks so bad, I’m surprised Vin Deisel is not in it twice.
JJ's Dishonorable Mentions:
Zack and Miri Make a Porno
JJ Rating: D+
It tried way too hard to be raunchy and not hard enough to have a heart and be worthy of anything but a collection of what the frack? (Frack being from “Battlestar Galactica” which will be returning this January for it’s final second half of their last season. Excited? I am.)
Quantum of Solace
JJ Rating: C+
James Bond is great character. The actor is not in question here…not a little bit. The bad guy is. They storyline is. They entire movie is. But M and James Bond were great. I just was so disappointed in everything else that I couldn’t even understand how these story board meetings went. How someone could be excited for water being part of the storyline is beyond me.
JJ Rating: B-
Charming trailers, charming characters, charming time but it was a not charming execution. It was long, drawn out, boring and a let down. Three strong actors and a strong idea just falling, falling, falling until they make an indent in the concrete like Wile E. Coyote after he waves good-bye to the viewers. Though his falling is more graceful, entertaining and worth money than this one.
Films that didnt make the list but are not even worth wrtiting about at this point:
- Speed Racer
- Four Christmases
- Swing Vote
- An American Carol
- Meet the Spartans
- Disaster Movie
Did we miss a few that really should have been on the list? Add a comment below and let us know what you think.