How to Save Knight Rider...From Itself

With the recent reboot of Knight Rider taking a ratings beating, leaving NBC third in a field of four for its time slot, I think a few improvements are in line. Seems like the rebooters have missed some of what we loved about the original, and also should add some new touches to attract the new demographic of "these damned kids today." To wit: I offer suggestions to improve Knight Rider before its chased off the air by re-runs of "America's Most 'ow, my balls' video" or something...

1. New Voice for Kitt. If they couldn't get Mr. Feeny from "Saved By The Bell" to do it (cuz he's too busy playing a singing founding-father on Broadway or something...), they should have gone for the gold. Val Kilmer is a fine actor, and a funny dude. Has had lots of comedy success in such films as "Real Genius" and "At First Sight", but he proved in Batman that he can't carry things with just the sound of his voice. So, they should have turned to someone who can. Suggestions:

James Earl Jones: Legions of Star Wars geeks (sorry, I mean Science-Fantasy sub genre connoisseurs)would flock to watch a KITT who sounds like Darth FREAKIN' Vader. Even those who do watch "The Star Wars" would enjoy seeing "Mustpha" reinCARnated as a badass death machine.

Morgan Freeman: Voice-man extraordinaire. The "Shawshank" alum could read the phone book and have it dripping with inner meaning. A perfect counter to the banal, blow-dried beer-and-rancid-burger-smelling Hasslehoff-wanna-be douchebag they have playing the lead.


Ford Focus, I am your father.

"Get busy livin'...or get busy drivin'"

Gilbert Gottfreid: The voice of the AFLAC duck would be perfect just because the first time he spoke, Mike would drive his ass off of a cliff just to shut him up.

THIS is a concept car.

2. A better car: Don't get us wrong... we all love the Ford Mustang, but it makes things seem as if Knight Industries has sold its souls to their corporate masters (the same clowns who gave us the Detroit Lions, fer cryin' out loud...) KITT should be a concept car (Think Batmobile, but chattier...)

3. A Better Knight: You have the weight of the 'Hoff off of your back for this one, so why not go in the opposite direction? We mean...RUN in the opposite direction. And what could be more opposite than and old, washed up, ugly, male egomaniac, than a hot, young, talented gorgeous woman. They aren't that hard to find...just sleep with the 50 top picks of Maxim, (easy, right?) and cast the one who fakes the best orgasm when she sees the producers' checking account. And you want to keep folks tuning in? Make her a bisexual...who can kick your ass and never let you forget your a man (or a woman). Yeah, we know Mikes got a hot sidekick, and all, but this is a missed opportunity...you want to see some exciting car scenes? Let the chick drive!

Getting into trouble...and occasional vats of Jello


4. A Better Script: The producers have missed the point of this
series. It's not about the back story, the front-story, side-stories...ITS
ABOUT THE CAR! The thing can drive itself, kick ass in any place large
enough to fit a car, and only requires human contact for three things:
Kicking ass is spaces too small for a car to fit, and too complicated to
blow up with a missile, a foil for witty banter, and someone to nail hot
chicks on his behalf. (We're sure the proper accessory could handle that
last part)Let the car call the shots...life would be so much better.

Behind the Wheel? Could be anyone...


... and so would the series.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Actually, Knight Rider tried the 'woman thing' with an earlier attempt at a new Knight Rider series. Needless to say, that pilot sucked worse than the current series.

joeltan said...

I agree wholeheartedly with the points raised. I loved the original series. It would probably have been better if the producers remade the original series. I just hope that if and when some television bigwig decides to revive The A Team, Airwolf or MacGyver, it will be way better than the new Knight Rider.

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