The Only Spoiler in this Article is Here
As the fall TV season timidly rears its head from the despoils of a summer of "reality" nightmares and re-runs of a strike-shortened season, we take this time to preview what's in store for the discriminating viewer this fall/winter.
Unfortunately, between last season's strike and Hollywood's incresing reluctance to try anything original, this year's crop of "new" shows have the unmistakable ring of familiarity about them.
Will we watch them? Probably...we're too lazy to go out and participate in life.
So... here's what's "new" organized by day of the week:
Worst Week: CBS 8:30 CDT
Summary: Sam (Kyle Bornheimer) tries to impress his future in-laws — with disastrous results. This is another "adaptation" of a British Sitcom. Wonder if it will "suck".
We've seen this sh*t before: Ever seen Meet the Parents? Like that, without the gravitas of a Ben Stiller appearance.
We'll watch anyway because: ...we won't. After Two and a Half Men, we'll switch over to watch Christina Applegate's cancer-free breasts for thirty minutes over on ABC.
America's Toughest Jobs: NBC 8:00 CDT
Summary: Average joes perform dangerous and physically demanding jobs in this competition series, and the winner is awarded the annual salary of each job completed.
We've seen this sh*t before: World's Most Dangerous Jobs on Discovery plus Fear Factor (minus the good eats therein).
We'll watch anyway because: Good chance to see pretentious, self-involved, entitled, spoiled twenty-somethings hurt themselves with power tools. Plus, it'll get dumped in January for Heroes.
My Own Worst Enemy: NBC 9:00 CDT
Summary: The division between a suburban father and his superspy alter ego breaks down after an implant in his brain begins to malfunction, leaving his two identities fighting for dominance.
We've seen this sh*t before: The Long Kiss Goodnight, Mr. and Mrs. Smith, Alias, Chuck any "normal-guy/girl-is-actually-a-spy" show.
We'll watch anyway because: Christian Slater totally rocks. Don't believe us? Go rent Heathers or Pump Up the Volume. Dude totally rocks. We will watch it religiously until it is cancelled in early October.
Oppertunity Knocks: ABC 7:00 CDT
Summary: The instant that host JD Roth knocks on a family's front door in Anywhere, America, the mobile Opportunity Knocks team will be there in a semi-truck filled with prizes. They will literally set up shop on a family's front lawn. It's there that an audience made up of neighbors and friends will be cheering them on.
Roth will ask the family trivia questions based directly on their lives,(prepping this will rather kill the spontaneity of the visits, unless the producers employ a psychic) each other and articles found in and around their home. In order to win the prizes of their dreams, they will have to prove they know each other inside and out.
We've seen this sh*t before: The Newlywed Game plus Family Feud plus the Publisher's Clearinghouse prize patrol.
We'll watch anyway because: You have a gun to our heads...seriously, why else would we?
The Mentalist: CBS 8:00 CDT
Summary: A celebrated psychic-turned-detective with a powerful gift for observation investigates crimes for the California Bureau of Investigation.
We've seen this sh*t before: Psych, Medium, every detective show ever done...
We'll watch anyway because: Can't get enough of them formula investigation shows... besides,... ahh, screw it! The new JJ Abrams show is on opposite this, so it will never last. Speaking of which...
Fringe: Fox 8:00 CDT
Summary: Drama with sci-fi elements following the FBI probe of mysterious deaths aboard an airplane that landed at Boston's Logan Airport. But the deaths aboard Flight 627 are only the beginning of the story.
We've seen this sh*t before: X-Files with a little Lost thrown in...
We'll watch anyway because: JJ Abrams produces the television version of crack. We couldn't stay away if we wanted to, and this one could finally be a worthy sucessor to the genius that was X-Files.
90210: CW 7:00 CDT
Summary: Sibling teens adjust to life in Beverly Hills after moving there and enrolling in West Beverly Hills High School, where their father is the new principal.
We've seen this sh*t before: Beverly Hills, 90210, the OC, the Hills, every other teen soap to air on the CW.
We'll watch anyway because: We'll find out what ever happened to the actors on the original, many of whom will show up as regulars or guests in the re-boot. Plus, Tori Spelling will NOT be a regular, so it'll be possible to eat during this time after all.
Priveliged: CW 8:00 CDT
Summary: A young woman becomes a live-in tutor for rebellious twin teens in Palm Beach, Fla., and adjusts to life among the rich and powerful.
We've seen this sh*t before: The Nanny, Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, everything else on the CW (except Smallville and Supernatural)
We'll watch anyway because: We're clearly twelve-year-old girls.
Knight Rider: NBC 7:00 CDT
Summary: Crime-fighting supercar KITT returns in Mustang form in this revved-up retread of the 1982-86 TV series. Here, a jaded ex-army ranger (Justin Bruening) teams up with the souped-up auto in a desperate search for KITT's vanished creator (Bruce Davison). They also gear up to battle criminals out to steal KITT.
We've seen this sh*t before: Duh...
We'll watch anyway because: The "Hoff" will make an appearance. Talking cars are cool...haven't you ever seen Cars?
Gary Unmarried: CBS 7:30 CDT
Summary: A recently divorced man adjusts to being single again after 15 years of marriage while also raising two kids with his controlling ex-wife.
We've seen this sh*t before: Two and a Half Men with Jon Crier in a dress.
We'll watch anyway because: It's cleverly placed at the half-hour, so it's either this, or the second half of Pushing Daisies or Knight Rider.
Stylista: CW 8:00 CDT
Summary: Eleven aspiring fashion editors compete for a job at Elle magazine by carrying out editorial assignments and other tasks. One person is eliminated each episode
We've seen this sh*t before: The Apprentice plus The Devil Wears Prada.
We'll watch anyway because: Nevous breakdowns, uncontrolled sobbing, titty-twisters...and that's just the guys.
Do Not Disturb: Fox 8:30 CDT
Summary: A workplace comedy set at one of New York City's hottest and hippest hotels: The Inn. Named one of the Big Apple's "10 Best Places to Stay," The Inn is just that - the "in" place to be, with its chic decor, stylish staff and celebrity clientele. Behind the scenes, however, the upstairs/downstairs dynamic tells quite a different story.
We've seen this sh*t before: Fawlty Towers, Newhart, Maid to Order.
We'll watch anyway because: Brad Garrett's voice lulled us into a coma while we watched 'Till Death.
Kath and Kim: NBC 7:30 CDT
Summary: A comedic look at the contentious relationship of a dysfunctional mother-daughter duo and their adventures in middle-class suburbia. This American remake is based on the Australian show of the same name.
We've seen this sh*t before: The Australian show of the same name. Gilmore Girls in opposite land.
We'll watch anyway because: They cleverly jammed it between My Name is Earl and The Office...WE HAVE NO CHOICE!!!
Life on Mars: ABC 8:00 CDT
Summary: A modern police detective wakes from a coma to find himself working as a cop in 1973, and must readjust to life even as he seeks a way back to his future.
We've seen this sh*t before: ... IN 1973!
We'll watch anyway because: We thought is was a SCI-FI show! Bastards...
Eleventh Hour: CBS 8:00 CDT
Summary: Dr. Jacob Hood is a brilliant biophysicist and special science advisor to the government, as he investigates scientific crises and oddities. His jurisdiction is absolute and Hood is dogged in his pursuit of those who would abuse and misuse scientific discoveries and breakthroughs for their own gain. His passion and crusade is to protect the substance of science from those with nefarious motives. He is called in at the eleventh hour and he represents the last line of defense. Special Agent Rachel Young is the decorated FBI protection officer assigned to watch Hood’s back.
We've seen this sh*t before: The British version with Captain Picard, the X-Files.
We'll watch anyway because: It's Bruckheimer-produced, so it may not suck. Plus, we'd like tips on how to tastefully decorate our own FBI protection officers.
The Ex-List: CBS 8:00 CDT
Summary: A thirtysomething woman revisits past relationships to find her soul mate after a psychic informs her one of them is her future husband, but if she doesn't locate him within a year she is destined to remain single for the rest of her life.
We've seen this sh*t before: Shakepeare's Henry V... Just kidding...we can't think of where we've seen this before, but we know we have.
We'll watch anyway because: At 24 episodes a season, we'd love to see just how many ex's this slut has...
Crusoe: CBS 8:00 CDT
Summary: A castaway and his native friend endure the perils of living on a deserted island in this adaptation of Daniel Defoe's classic novel.
We've seen this sh*t before: Daniel Defoe's Classic novel, Castaway, except with another dude instead of a vollyball.
We'll watch anyway because: It'll be on in the background as we sip out pre-party libations. (It's Friday, and darn it, we're going out!)
No new shows!! Watch College Football.
The CW has a bunch of new crap that no one will ever see because the NFL plays a PM game on NBC.