Book Review: "Breaking Dawn"

So how does the new book in the "Twilight" series by Stephanie Meyer stand up?

Frankly, I wouldn't know, as I am not interested in Meyer's books to begin with. I'd prefer to get my vampiric canon from a pre-born-again sinner instead of a Mormon mother.

However, Nefertari - one of Media Morgue's truant but talented reporters -took one for the team and saved us from having to actually read a book. She reviewed "Breaking Dawn" from the perspective of a rabid fan (since she is one). And yet she is also not a mindless 13 year old girl, so the review is actually worth reading.

WARNING: thar be spoilers ahead:

I, just like all the other Twilighters out there, went to a prom themed book release party August 1st. I danced to the DJ music, played some vampire trivia, and even got the obligatory prom photo taken. Finally at the stroke of midnight, it was time for what we were all waiting for: Breaking Dawn. Stephanie Meyer’s Twilight saga was now coming to an end. Will Bella stay human or become a vampire? Would she choose Edward or Jacob? All of us would discover the answers in the long awaited 754 page book that sat in our hands.

2 days pass.

At 12:35am Monday morning, I closed Breaking Dawn for the last time. My brow was furrowed and started at the ceiling. “What the heck did I just read,” I thought to myself. For a minute, I kind of thought that someone had played a practical joke on me as if to say, “Ha, that wasn’t a Stephanie Meyer book at all!” The novel didn’t have the same feel as the first three. If it weren’t for Meyer’s obvious love of using “chagrin,” I really might have believed that this wasn’t the real Breaking Dawn.

Immediately, the book seemed too safe. Meyer’s, unlike J.K. Rowling in the final Harry Potter book, did not take ANY risks. Rowling wasn’t afraid to kill of people left and right. I mean it was all out war for goodness sakes; someone has to die! And my problems with the book don’t just rely on the fact that no one dies. The action doesn’t get started till almost the end of the book.

The whole beginning focuses on Bella being pregnant with Edwards’s baby. Great, a human/vampire hybrid. That’s cool [enter sarcasm here]. I know the forums have been packed with heavy arguments about the possibility of Bella getting pregnant. Yes, at some point Stephanie Meyer mentioned in one of her books that the only fluid left in a vampire is venom (aka what changes a human into a vampire if you are bitten). So, the argument that goes back to that. How the heck did Edward knock up Bella if he only has venom inside of him? Well, my response to that is obviously he has more fluid in him than venom. Bella and Edward kiss all the time. If he only had venom, then when they kissed she would have venom in her mouth. Regardless of all of this though, the overall picture is what is bothering me. Of course a young Mormon stay at home mom, who became a mom at a young age, made her main character experience what supposedly is one of those miracles that only human women can experience.

Sure, vampire women can’t have kids, but not every human woman wants kids! Bella did NOT seem like that kind of character. I feel like it didn’t fit. It seemed more like Stephanie Meyer pushing her beliefs onto her characters and onto her audience. Of course Bella and Edward wouldn’t have sex until they got married. The excuse was that since Edward grew up in the early 1900s, that’s just how he was raised. Of course, once Bella was pregnant she wouldn’t want to abort it, even though it was killing her. Apparently her life meant less to her than the small child inside of her who hadn’t lived much at all. Who knows, maybe that’ll make more sense to me if I ever become a mother, but how do you expect thirteen year olds to understand that? Aren’t we taking a step back in time? Let’s tell young girls once again, get married young and have babies even if you might die. That’s what human life is about.

Finally even after dealing with all that drama, sitting through the baby story line, Meyer doesn’t want to offend anyone with Bella becoming a vampire. Instead of Bella making a decision, she is left with no choice. It’s either die after birthing her hybrid, or become a vampire. It’s not even a choice she makes. Edward makes it for her. A man decides her fate. Great. Again, after putting up with all that, we finally see some action. Or at least you think you’ll get to see some action.

Turns out, there’s no problem. There’s not huge fight. Everyone things the hybrid baby is adorable and not an abomination. Jacob imprints (it’s a werewolf thing) on the baby so no need to worry about him getting in Bella and Edward’s way. So it sucks for you if you were on Team Jacob.

All in all, every freaking loose end is tied up. Everything just got wrapped up and a neat and perfect little bow. That’s right all you girls, that’s what life is really like. Start getting use to it now so that when the real world hits you, you can be crushed even more than all the rest of us. Way to go, Stephanie Meyer. Way... to... go.

I wish I could forget that Breaking Dawn ever happened. Regardless,I'll still love books one through three. I love you Edward!

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