The Anti-Emmys: The Worst of the Bunch
In honor of the somewhat recent announcement of this year’s Emmy nominations, I have decided to honor some of the poor decisions, bad acting, wasted concepts, and general incompetence that has dripped from the sinuses of Hollywood this past year. It would be easy to write an article complaining about the nominees this year…who got stiffed, who was nominated despite any discernable talent whatsoever, but I’ve already read a bunch of those, and really, it’s like shooting fish in a barrel. With my own awards, I can make up the categories, and basically rip apart any person or show, whether they are good or bad.
So, without further ado (I ran out of ado over the weekend) here are this year’s Anti-Emmy nominees and projected winners!
Category: Dumbest Production Move
House, MD: Yeah, so, we have a great show with a popular cast…let’s completely re-cast three of the leads and replace them with lamer versions of the originals. (producer takes another hit of whatever he/she was smoking) And then, keep the originals under contract and give them no screen time!
Heroes: OK, we have a good show whose popularity hinges largely on the short story arcs that all pertain to a larger, self-contained plot…let’s destroy the format, beat the popular character to death with a stupid time-travel story arc and move the show around so much that loyal viewers (all six of them) need their own super-powers just to find it. You know it’s bad when the producers publicly apologize for how bad it was.
CSI: We didn’t add a new city this year! Come on, how are we going to take over the network with only three stinkin’ cities? Where’s CSI: Sheboygan? (it’s in Wisconsin, guys) CSI: Fargo? How about CSI: Lawrence, KS?
And the winner is:
Bastards on a Stick
The studios and writers: Need I enumerate how many shows were truncated, bastardized, or flat-out eliminated by the writer’s strike? Payback’s a bitch…these folks are going to have to hit it out of the park this fall to get their viewers back from DVD and internet-land. I blame the studios…” we don’t want to pay writers for income from internet broadcasts, so let’s have a strike so NO ONE gets paid at all!” It’s this kind of brilliant thinking that gave us half a year of reality TV garbage. Speaking of Which…
Category: Most Desperate Celebrity Reality Series
Living Lohan: Mom-of-the-Year Dina takes a stab at totally farking up yet another daughter. Bonus: The only Lohan we care about (well, we care about parts of her) isn’t on the show.
Hey, Paula: If we wanted to see your train-wreck binges and breakdowns, we’d watch American Idol.
Flavor of the Week: Come on…seriously? Think of how many starving African waifs could have been fed with the production costs of this “show”. It beggars description.
And the Winner is:
World's Hottest Douchebag
Denise Richards: It’s Complicated: Really, how much effort does it take to look like a better parent than Charlie the man-slut Sheen? Do we really need to see the daily abuses of a vapid, spoiled, moronic, incompetent wanna-be produced into a TV show? Can’t we just watch news coverage of Brittany Spears?
Category: Dumbest Reality Show
Every “Idol” and “Dancing with the Stars” Knockoff: Believe me, one each of these shows is MORE than enough. If I wanted a constant montage of people who suck, I’ll watch YouTube.
American Gladiators: It was stupid and boring the first time…but now…nope- still stupid and boring. WWF rejects knocking the crap out of stupid people just makes me jealous that I can’t knock the crap out of this show’s producers.
A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila: Hot girl-on-girl action? Gorgeous bi-chick? How can it go wrong? Simple…put it on a network where you can’t show any of the good stuff. Leave porn where it belongs!
And the Winner Is:
Not Even The Good Mark Wahlberg
Moment of Truth: Where to begin? Five minutes of material stretched into an hour…(maybe a half-hour, but it sure seemed like an hour)… ZERO surprise for the contestants (the questions had to be pre-determined)… hurtful and damaging confessions with isolation shots of the victims…Jerry Springer did this a lot better on a tighter budget.
Category: Dumbest Story Arc
Grey’s Anatomy: Whiney Bitch “dies” and comes back. The kicker…she’s just as idiotic and vapid as before…she learned nothing from the experience.
Heroes: The Latin-American chick with the gross-eye-death power. Of all the stupid, useless powers to have… and did we really need four weeks of a lame “El Norte” rip-off before Zack Quinto shows up and does the world a favor by whacking the annoying brother?
Medium: Joe loses his job and invents the “solar tanning bed” or some stupid shit. What happened to the who “I see dead people” plot of this show? It was marginal to begin with, but has turned into a glorified version of Bewitched without the magic…or comedy…or drama… The scariest thing about this whole show is what happened to Anjelica Houston. Eeeww… not during dinner, please.
And the Winner is:
Desperate Housewives: Gosh…so many stupid arcs here, that this show wins by pure volume… I’m going to give the nod to the “Carlos is blind” arc…It just went on too long, and had way too little of Eva Longoria naked. (a lament I have had since first seeing this show…)
Category: Just Kill It, Already: Shows that needed to be Euthanized, like a dozen seasons ago…
Law and Order: Really, any one of the three series in this franchise can go away, now. When your staple cast members start dying off from old age, and the hottest piece on your show is a 40-year-old Mariska Hargitay, it’s time to hang it up and let the next generation of formulaic police dramas step in.
Survivor: They are going to run out of locations… what’s next? Survivor: Newark (I’d actually like to see that one). Plus, if I want to see a bunch of underfed, smelly, dirty douchebags fight with each other, I’ll go to Walmart.
The Simpsons: I know I’m stepping on a lot of toes here, but what does it say about our nation when the longest-running TV series currently on the air is a cartoon about a stupid guy and his family…bring on “Ow, my Balls”.
And The Winner is:
Seriously, Who ARE these Poeple?
ER : No contest. This show has been in and out of retirement more than Brett Favre. It was last good when Anthony Edwards was on it (about 16,000 years ago). The show is so formulaic that they can (and have) drop characters in and out at whim. Its gotten to the point where the only consistent character in the show is the title.
Category: Jumped the Shark
Lost: Even accounting for JJ Abrham’s weirdness, this show has simply gone off the rails. Thank goodness it’s slated to end soon before Jennifer Garner shows up in a bad wig and runs down a hallway.
American Idol: It’s no longer a show about average citizens with extraordinary talent getting a shot. Five or six of the top ten had recording contracts coming in… these folks are ringers, and it ruins the purity of the concept. And if I hear Randy Jackson refer to a performance as “pitchy” one more time, I’m going to cave someone’s skull in with a farking stillson wrench.
Desperate Housewives: It’s just not the same now that Eva Longoria is married. (shut up…I had at least a theoretical shot) The show is beyond the point of shocking anyone…we all expect the bizarre twists, so there is really nothing left for the show to offer, except the greatest array of ageing sex-symbols since the Sex in the City movies. Any time your big mid-season cliff hanger is a natural disaster (tornado) its time to call in the key grips, and go home.
And the Winner is:
The Wrong Palmer Survived
24: I hate to say it, but this show was effectively ended when they killed off David Palmer. Since then, it’s been a re-hash of the same plot lines, and the cracks are beginning to show. (Jack sure heals fast, doesn’t he?)The program is looking to re-boot next year by moving to Washington and blowing some shit up there…but really, won’t you be rooting for the terrorists to destroy Washington DC? BTW: Taking a year off is not a way to endear yourself to an audience that was halfway out the door to begin with after our hero started dating the MOM from Friday Night Lights.
Any Categories I missed? Feel free to comment.
Disagree? It’s a free country, but know that I am right and you are wrong.
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