Editor's Note: As part of his initiation to work in the "long plastic hallways" of Media Morgue, our new addition, Brad Sherrod takes one for the team by reviewing a show on Lifetime. I know, I'm a cruel S.O.B.
** Spoiler Alert: This Article contains plot points from the 6/8 premier of Army Wives. If you want to be surprised…bugger off.
Confession time, folks. The desperate state of summer television has forced me to endure the unthinkable: I watched a program on the Lifetime Channel. (you may take my “guy card” now…) I was forced, by various circumstances to watch the premiere of Lifetime’s original series, Army Wives.
First, my excuses for destroying what shred of dignity and manhood I may have retained after a whole season of Desperate Housewives: First, it was the only original programming on TV at the time that did not involve poor dancing, crazy people strapped to lie detectors, or morons picking suitcases with numbers on them. Second, the title of the show has ‘Army” in it…seems the ‘splosions would be baked right in…right? RIGHT? Finally, and most importantly, MY WIFE MADE ME. So, with my testicles safely ensconced in my wife’s purse, I settled down to watch this show.
For those of you who do not know this show, (that’s you, guys) picture Desperate Housewives on an army base. (except, not funny…and with no Eva Longoria, and the chick doing the voice-over isn’t dead…and did I mention NO EVA LONGORIA) The show does feature a Delaney (Kim, rather than Dana) and lots of estrogen. Also a redhead…and a blonde with too many kids…and a brunette with a college-aged daughter.
The premise is pretty much described in the title. A bunch of women (and one dude) married to folks in the Army. Various plot lines are also pretty much built in: my man is being shipped off, my man has been away for a long time, my man had some limbs blown off, my man is pregnant and doesn’t want to keep the baby…wait…oh, yeah, that’s the dude.
On to the week’s agonizing episode: This was the second season premiere in the style of Dynasty. You know, the old “the group got exploded…whose dead? Who’s maimed? Who got a contract to do a better show?” Surprisingly, this forced the show to feature one (and only one) ‘SPLOSION. Crazy man strapped to WAY too many explosives walks into a bar (not the beginning of a joke, unless you count the whole Lifetime Network as a joke…), and blows the place up while most of the principles in it. So, we spend the (commercial-limited! Thanks, Vagasil!) episode playing the age-old “who died” game. This was especially challenging because neither of us could remember any of the characters’ names.
So, they use the flashback-flash-forward technique to confuse the hell out of everyone while revealing one-by-one who survived. (Hint: everybody important…this ain’t 24, folks) Then, as the big blow-off (no pun intended)… it turns out that one of the “flash-forward” sequences is a dream!
WAY too long story short, the college-bound chick died. Delany cries, her husband cries, all the other chicks cry, my wife cries, I cry (albeit for different reasons)… she was the only hot one in the who stinkin’ show!
Oh, there was another plot line where Blonde Chick’s husband is missing in the Middle East and the Army Brass takes the whole episode driving her batty before revealing that HE MISSED HIS DAMNED RIDE and will be available in a week!!!!
bring on the numbered suitcases. Yeesh.