"They're all whores, they're all whores . . . xcept for some obviously!"

What a surprise: Lindsay Lohan has found a way to stay in the public eye yet again, and the press is eating it up like a horny frat boy with a pocket full of one dollar bills at a Spearmint Rhino on a Friday night.

According to her over-worked, but that's-why-they-pay-her-the-big-bucks publicist, Leslie Sloane Zelnik, Lindsay's been doing "research" for an upcoming film titled "I Know Who Killed Me" where she plays a stripper. To prepare for her role, she's been getting help from 42 year old D-list actress Sheila Kelley and her "S Factor" exercise program that mashes working out with pole dancing.

The other day, Lohan fired off an email to her close friends via her infamous Blackberry. One of those close friends quickly leaked it to the press and the NY Post saw an opportunity for some sensationalism. The end result is that we're treated to an unrestricted look at the epitome of Lindsay's class:

"So . . . 3 hours of pole dancing and bruised. everywhere . . . I mean we're talkin' like, UPPER AND INNER THIGH ACTION-bruised . . . like a walking black-and-blue mark.

"I mean really though, really, I didn't know it was actually possible to have bruises in such areas of the body. Strippers dude, I tell you, I really respect the cunts now. . . I'm not gonna lie to ya."

Oh yeah. Can't you just feel the level of respect she has for the cunts? Like, totally dude?

I've done plenty of "research" on stripping as well and when it comes to gentlemen's clubs, I consider myself a subject matter expert. I've had the privilege to know quite a few strippers. I've lived with one and even taught her how to make more money in the business. I know what to do and what not to do on stage, how to handle customers, and the finer points of "pole work." In my extensive experience, it seems to me that if you are getting such heavy bruising, you are doing it wrong.

Lindsay, in the off-chance you might be reading this, I am available for private consultation at a very reasonable rate. Just throwing it out there.

If that idea doesn't work for you, why not just take that money you're dropping on private exercise lessons from some never-was actress and instead go out to one of the countless titty bars in LA and throw it at a real dancer to see how it really works. It might give you a bit more insight into "those cunts" you have such respect for.

If nothing else, the paparazzi shots of you getting a zipless fuck will help fuel that publicity juggernaut you are piloting so gracefully.

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